trueloveyehrite (trueloveyehrite) wrote,

Today... ramble.

You know I wonder if my ex is right.  I am horrible at relationships and that all I am going to do is ruin what I always have for relationships.  You know, I know I am a very hurt little girl looking for someone to save me.  But I know also that everything happens for a reason.  But I am so tired, it makes me want to cry, I am always  trying to hold on to what isnt real.  Sadly I never know if how I feel is what the other person feels.  So I ask if they love me only to find fustration.  He always getting upset wondering why i must ask him all the time if he still loves me.  Unfortunately, I dont know what love is.  So I never know if what I feel is love, nevermind what they feel.  You know.  I loved my mother, But did she love me in return.  I loved myt father and did he love me in return.  The answers to these guestions are unknown.  They loved me because they had to.  I never had a little extra care, this little extra I find with the men I am with.  Or the Man I am currently with.  Maybe I am a lost cause.  Maybe I will never find someone to put up with me.  I try to change for every man im with, to make them happy.  Finally I met a man, who makes me happy, anjd i try to change for him to make him happy, But maybe im not doing it right.  I dont know anymore.  I wish i could just crawl under a rock and die.



I took 1.25 from my boyfriend to do our laundry.  And well I forgot to tell him i took it.   he got upset, and he is still upset that I didnt tell him.  I forgot.  I took it to dry our laundry, that took most of my day to do.  I was only trying to make him happy.  ....  You know.  it is hard enough, me alwyas trying to make someone else happy irregardless of how i feel.  nevermind getting yelled at even when i thought i was doing something right.  I give up.  Maybe I just need a man who will  just make it point to.... do something different.  I dont know.  I dont know what i want anymore.  Im miserable tonight.  Horribly unhappy.  i thought i was doing the right thing.  and i didnt.  I wasn't.   Yeah Pat your right.  I did fuck it up.  and I dont even know what was so horrible.


I am not your ex.  All I can be is me.  Her mistakes shouldnt be taken out on me.


I love you.  and i would never hurt you.  so stop thinking im going to..  


Maybe i ask if you love me all the time because im scared your going to use me and leave me.  or just get tired of me.  like everyone else. 


I dont even know what else to say.  I can barely see, my heart is crying out, and the tears are falling.  And i dont even know why.  Maybe im tired of acting like im strong.  because im not.  I love you, and yes i need you.  I just hope you need me too.



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