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Freedom is painful.
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Date:2008-02-08 09:56
Subject:So i havent written in a while... Lifes to fast for me to get off and write something
Security:Public

Stop the spinning world and let me off.

So things are okay, I have a decent job and a car that runs... So I guess im okay. I have a head ache to that I would rather not have.

besides that, all is well...

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Date:2007-05-23 18:09
Subject:MY HEART IS BROKEN
Security:Public

ONE DAY I HOPE YOU WANT ME... I HOPE I AM WORTH TRYING AGAIN FOR. I JUST HOPE.

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Date:2007-03-11 17:30
Subject:3/11/2007
Security:Public

I would give up the moon and the stars for his happiness

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Date:2007-02-06 21:50
Subject:its been a while...
Security:Public

So... Wow what a time it has been since the last time I wrote ....


I dont even know where to start nor do I feel like typing everything out so I will say...

My personality has changed like it always does... I have found a little peace where it never laid before. I realized today that you have to leave everything in Gods hands... I have been blessed so far.. why question it!


peace out

jess

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Date:2006-07-09 13:22
Subject:Just thinking....
Security:Public

Is it bad that you love someone so much the thought of being without them makes you unable to breathe? But then on the other hand you constantly wonder if they love you that way back? What do you do when your past relationships have made it hard for you when you finally find whom you believe to be your soul mate?

Sometimes I feel like crawling under a rock, because im affraid of love...

I know that I have a lot of growing to do and it puts a strain on us... But I dont want my hardships from the past and the lack of "training" I recieved from my parents to be the fault of me for the rest of my life. Mentally I know im not ready for the world... and Im trying so hard to catch up to everyone and those who are my age... But it is difficult, I pray to God that this fault of mine will make me lose the most wonderful thing in my life... My true Love.

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Date:2006-06-27 01:56
Subject:Love and Lust...
Security:Public
Mood: hot

So, as you have read through my journal you have seen there there is a lot of relationship issues, one thing after another, and in the beginning you will find that I wrote about one man after another. My screen Name said it all, True Love Yeah Right. I was in disbelief that I would One, Ever find someone decent, and Two keep them around. I had learned from the master of crummy relationships... My Mother. And I can say this, when making love to any man it was just to make them happy. In My current relationship. I had started to do this too. He would be tired and would be at a loss of interest for sex. Confused and not knowing why I couldnt give him what I thought he wanted made me grow anger towards him. I grew anger towards the First man in my life that I truely and deeply fell in love with. Tonight was no different, angry that he didnt want to just get it over with, I found myself sitting in the chair wondering why. After a few minutes I got up to just go lay down and watch some tv, something that commingly often happened. When by my surprise we made love. All the times before wasnt anything compared to tonight... I mean there has been some great times, But tonight, while making love to this man, it happened, My life flashed before me, in a moment of love and lust combined, I pictured this man as my husband, I pictured this man as the one I would have children with... I felt that I had figured it out... You cant just have love in a relationship, and lust isnt just for the street walkers, or the one night stands, You have to have a perfect combination of Love and Lust in a relationship. And when you find that, you found it. You found your true love.

and I know I found him.

I hope you one day find him too.

Jessica

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Date:2006-04-12 01:51
Subject:
Security:Public

I think I have fallen in love again.


Things never seem to go the way I want, but the way they go... is the right way.

I love you


j

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Date:2006-04-07 10:01
Subject:where am I?
Security:Public
Mood: sad

Im living in brentwood, trying to get my shit together. I have recently fallen in love with a man, within the past ten months, he has changed my life for the better, and i feel i have done to him as he has done for me. But there are things I need to change within myself in order to man any man happy.

You know when you look at yourself you see who you are, but you never can see what your not. I ahve relationship issues, scared of anything that might hurt me, but i still let myself fall for men who need more than i can give. My first boyfriend told me we could never marry and I asked why and he said because he wants to marry a Milano woman. Well, im sorry, Im not milano, I thought marriage had to do with love. Unlike, what i have seen, I always thought Love will make things work. But for some reason the men I fall for Want something more. Am I not good enough for anyone? Maybe being alone is what ill have to endure all my life.

My anxiety has cleaned itself up. For the most part. Thank God I had Joe to help me during a really rough time, but I think it would have been better to hide it. I know for now on I will never tell a man of the issues I endure, because it isnt like he understands and all it does is crumble the man i love. I feel like im an overload. Much like the man is the computer, and I download my software on him, only to make him crash. He did all he could do to help me and deal with me for ten months. I dont blame him for getting rid of me, I'm not something I would want either. But I do thank god for bringing such an amazing man into my life, and such an amazing family. Who ever does get him, if I can't, I know they will be a very lucky woman, too bad it took me ten months and having to live an hour away for me to see my faults. But I know that Whatever man I have after the fact will be a very lucky man. I feel as if I am a good catch, I am a good person, and when I love I love full heartedly. But I know not everything is ment to be. So, if god doesnt have it in his plans for me to be with this man, that I care so truely about, then I hope he gives him an even more amazing woman after me, he deserves it.

Either way I will be fine. I have grown more in the past week than in the whole 22 years of my existance.

I found out last night what exactly is wrong with mine and his relationship. He doesnt know that I know, but I do. And its is absolutely fine. Everyone has the right to find themselves, as Im doing right now. I smile at the fact that I love you no matter what you decide to do.



If you love something you let it go, and if it comes back it is ment to be.


I love you
May we meet again in this life... either way you were my soul mate.

J

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Date:2006-04-01 02:08
Subject:
Security:Public

The man I thought I was to marry... The man I would have given my life for... the man I cried over after watching King Kong because I realized how much I loved him...   well... we are done.  It saddens me to think that the person I could see myself with for the rest of my life...  THe man who told me when we met that he was my knight and shinning armor.  He said he was the king of laughter... he made my life worth living.  He has asked me to leave... He said it is for the best... but he doesnt know the consequences for the actions we take in life... we make mistakes.. and lose the best thing that has ever happened to them.  One day when we both have kids and we are married... maybe... one day long from now we will look up at the stars and wonder where one another are...

Maybe we will see what we lost then.  Sadly enough it will be too late.  If we know that what we want is right in front of us why wouldnt we fight for it.  Its too bad that we would let it go... in hopes that long down the road our paths my cross... but I honestly think that it will be too late.  To late for happiness.

I love you, but if this is what you want...  I hope you find it in your heart to make an emotional decision to realize what you have lost...

I know im an emotional person... I think with my heart.  Some say that is wrong.  But in my heart it is all the right.  we need to do what makes our heart fill whole again... without you my heart is terribly broken.  But ... if this is what you want to do... then its okay, break my heart, and when you ask for it back dont be surprised if my heart cries out for you but my mind says we cant do it again.

You have shown me what it is like to love.

You have shown me what it is like to want.

You have shown me what it is like to be wanted.

Please... dont take it from me.  And doing what you are doing to me... is taking it.

You dont have to believe me.  But I know what is in my heart.  And I know that my heart has always and will always be true to you.

I love you.  Even tho you want me gone.

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Date:2006-03-15 23:11
Subject:Today....
Security:Public

So I just went to www.yahoo.com and typed in "love" and did a search on Images.  This the the first image to come up.



Sadly this world we live doesnt know what love is... That isnt love....

And if you dont know what I mean by that, then you have some research to do.... 

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Date:2006-02-26 23:28
Subject:I find new things about me everyday.
Security:Public
Mood: depressed

You know somedays you feel fine, and then something smacks you in the face, Like learning something all over again.  Dont know what I mean?  Good that means it never happens to you and your lucky.

Because No one really knows about this site I will type just about anything because I know if someone knew of this, they will seldom take the time to read this... But here goes...

Today I was on the phone, well I guess you would have to know the past to know the present right?  I was molested at a very young age... And My sister also, and she was taken from me.  The closest thing to me was taken.  Well, No one ever told me.  And when the therapists asked questions about the terrible dreams I would have my mother would lie about it.  She never did anything about it, But take away my friend, My sister, the love of my life.  I found out on December 22rd, 2005. The truth from my brother while we walked to my grandparents in the dark, after a fight with my alcholic mother and step father, and he explained the whole thing to his big sister, about why everyone says I am fucked up.  Anyways.  The truth came out when I comfronted my mother on December 23rd, 2005, and she harshly told me the half truth.  About how My sister was too fragile to go into court so they didnt press charges.  And that She went on benges after he left and all she had was me, she would leave me with anyone and everyone so she could run off and do her drugs.  Anyways.  Today I was on the phone with my younger sisters grandmother, after a battle with her on the phone which I will explain later she told me some truth about me that I didnt know about.  Rather I knew about but not the facts about.  After I told everyone the dirty secrets, on accident I asked the pervert to come give me a bath, everyone realized what was going on.  My grandparents took my sister away... and left me there with my mother, and her "husband" My mother continued to stay with the man, and I was still left in her care.  For a while I was alone with the monster and my mother....  Please God Do tell why you let Innocent children continue to me molested.  Why?  Anyways.  I found out also that during the case, My sisters grand mother was at a conference about sexual abuse towards children and the woman who choose to keep their husband even after it happens.  Infront of 2000 people my story was told and not one person thought it was a good thing to let the child who the reason for the story.  I just dont understand what is so bad about me that I couldnt be taken away?  Why was she so better?  Now I know why I hate my older sister.  God blessed her.  He took her from the hands of evil and gave her everything she deserves and more... and he left me behind.  He left me to fail.  

My roomate said today after find out her mother has cancer, she said with all I have been through I must be a bad person and I just dont know it because nothing ever goes right.  I said No... You not a bad person.  God gives you what he thinks you can handle.  But then I sit here and think... Maybe Im a bad person.  I fight with people I love just because after a little while I start to resent them.  I start to hate them for no aparent reason.  I dont know what to think sometimes.  I just dont.

I know I need to seek help, but when I do the doctor just doesnt understand.  They just want to hear what you have to say for 60 minutes then they drug you up and send you on your way.  When in all reality this is your one life to live.  Why would I want to live it drugged up... And why would i want to live it miserable.  What do you do?  Getting help?  they dont understand and I honestly dont think they ever will.  Life will continue to move on Irregardless of what I choose to do.  My question is why? The one wish I wish I could be granted that would be to have my family be normal.  Because I know without a doubt they are all wonderful people.  They are just all messed up.  My mother has went around and told everyone that  I made my sister and brother believe they were abused when It "didnt happen."  Well didnt it?  You can only be told something so many times before you start to believe it yourself.am I the one who is all messed up?  Did I mess them all up?  I start to think about it and start to feel guilty... as if I was the one who beat them.  When My memories tell me different, do I believe myself?  When All that I believed before I was made to believe I was lying, when The truth still remains.  But what is the truth.  What is someone supposed to do when you know something happened but everyojne else denies it, and lies and says you are the one who fucked everything up.  I cant even talk to my family.  No one believes me because of my mother.  And I call her up and talk her down from crying when she talks about what she has done wrong.  What else are you supposed to do when the woman who brought you in this world starts crying? ....   This is me... Im about to tell you everything.  Keep it to yourself because if you tell, someone might say I was lying about it.  But Im not.  This is the truth.  From my eyes.

I was born on April 26th 1983,  In Franklin Reginal Hospital, the same room and the same doctor that My older sister was born in and by.    My sister was four years old when I was born.  I dont know if my father was there or not.  I guess it doesnt matter.  I left the hospital and three days or three weeks Im not sure I left  NH and set out for North carolina, this is where my mothers parents moved, and my mother stayed in NH to make things work for her and my father, but they fought all the time.  So my mother left and go live with her parents.  A few days or something later my father headed down to NC hitch Hiked, I dont know if it was because his parents made him or my mother called crying, or maybe my some small chance he actually cared for this innocent child....  all I know is he came down there.

After not so much time my mother and father continued fighting, maybe it was because my father went o the bar when she was pregnant with me and would have other women sitting on his lap and she caught him.  That I dont know either and dont truely care.  Anyways.  After the fights continued my father left and went back to NH  and I was left in the hands of a Coke addict mother.  She started dating around and married another man when I was twoish.  This is the monster who felt the need to molest me and my sister.  My sister was six at the time.  He would tell her he was going to give us baths while she went to the store.  What did she care she didnt have to work, and this man supported her.  The only thing he cared about was fucking around with innocent children and taking thier innocence and TEARING IT APART WITH NO FUCKING CARE IN THE WORLD!!  My mother found out when he and her and me and my sister were at my grandparents and while sitting around the table I went over to the man and asked him if he was going to give us a bath, and everything was found out from that.... they figured it out.  He left,  and my sister was taken from me.  Two people I thought were good were taken...   I thought i was the bad one.  I told our secret.  I ruined things....  I made all the world stop, I made everyone hate me.  I made things bad.... I messed it up.  After my mother said she wouldnt file against him, she let him back in the house....  Some how, she got rid of him, I dont know how... but he left again and after some time she divorced him.  Sick if you ask me... I dont know. ANyways, after some time my mother was dating a big time drug dealer in south carolina.  This mans name was Ronald.  This was my brothers father.  My mother met him because she was a coke head.  I remember we were sitting a tht e kitchen take after he left her right before he was born and we were eating crackers becuse thats all we had... and she looked at me with a full belly and said your brother is comming soon, that night I helped her in the hospital....   HE was the man that my mother called and told my father he had to sign over rights because he was going to marry her and adopt me.  My father hadnt seen me in years, so it didnt matter to him aparently he didnt care he said fine.  But he left before my brother was born...  The man who is my brothers father was murdered in Jan of 1998, two months after my mother finally found out where he was, so he could meet his child...  Anyway Ill explain that when it comes.   Right after my brother was born I realized that for every child there is a mother and a father.  When I was five, the summer after my birthday I demanded that I knew where My father was.  She found him, and we met.  the first time we met things went well.  adn the summer of my 6th birthday I started spending two weeks a year with my father.  And realized how great it was there.  Because I had my daddy.  We were lioving in a house my mother and the man she was dating off and on fixed up.  It was the most beautiful house ever.  Well, the man that she was "dating would leave often, and many other men would come in and out of the house.  She was a single mother trying to make ends meet, and she did whatever it took to make sure we were fed.  Thats when I started to become mom, and Took care of my brother when my mother was off doing her own thing.  I was six.  When I was nine I moved in with my father because he said my mother was an unfit drunk, who was always drugged up.  After we spent time together when I was six she tried to drop me off at my house and he knocked and with no answer he and my step mother went into the house to find my mother on the bed passed out, and it was noticeable that she was coked up.  They left me there.  With her.  As I cried my eyes out wondering why they hated me... they left me there.  When I was nine, after summers of flying there for a little while they noticed I would come with all torn ripped clothes.  They realized that my mother was nothing but bad for me so they made me move in with them.  From 9- 11 I lived with them.   After many men, and my mother met Sean.  A troubled man,who was into drugs and partying... much like her, and didnt have a care in the world, well my mother thought he would make a perfect daddy and she got pregnant with my sister cara when I was ten.  At 11 I was living with my father and things werent going well, I was rebelaint.  I hated him and I didnt know why.  I didnt want to be alone with him.  And I just didnt know why.  So My father wanted to get full custody because he wanted to make sure my mother wouldnt be able to just take me away, because it was obvious that I needed help, but not understanding why because when he asked her about abuse either physical or sexual she denied everything.  So when I hadnt seen my mother in Two years she came up, and I could spend two hours a day with her monday through friday and thats all.  A child only 11 years old hasnt seen her mother in two years and talked to her once a month all of a sudden she has a mommy... and could only see her once a day for two hours???  she told me how much she needed me... and I couldnt stop crying becauseI missed her.  I loved her so much and I didnt want to lose her again so I forced my dad to let me go with her... so they dropped everything.  and I went home with her and her great family she would tell me about.  I went home to the projects, again.  I went back to the projects and come to find out her wonderful husband she told me about actually locked my brother and sister in the bedroom for over twenty four hours and told them that it was bedtime everytime they got up, he covered their windows, because he went out and picked up a prostitute and cheated on my mother.  My whole world that I thought i had was torn apart.  My mother was still working at the bar and the gas station and making nothing.  We never had anything to eat.  I went to having an alcholic father and step mother who was at least there and I had food, to living back where I started.  I screwed up.  I messed it all up again.  I shouldnt have came back... I called my father and since he wasnt home I played a song on his answering machine saying I was sorry and then begged for him to take me back and I got nothing.  there life went on, without me.  IT was my fault that he cheated on her, if I dnt leave her in the first place she wouldnt have had to go there and try to see me again.  My father told me how she ran out of the court room crying.  My mom told me not too long ago, that she was crying and ran out, and she looked over to see my father crying.  My father did love me.  and he loved my mother.But anyways, back to the story.  Sean ran away and stole evreything we had so he coudl leave and buy drugs.  TVless, and foodless, we struggled, I raised my brothers and sisters, from the time they came home to the time they got up.  She was always working, but I always made sure, she... as drunk as she was had something to eat when she came home...  most of the time it was ramon noodles at 2 am in the morning.  Anyways.  Most of the time we didnt even have electricity... and Hot water wasnt common either.  But that is where my mother met mike.  He came into her bar and she brought him home the same night she met him.  I had been raising my brother and sister all this time and he came in with a bang.  The first night he was yelling at him and I dont recall ever seeing my mother after that... only him.  this is where the real shit starts... after a week or so of him commin over all the time, and yelling at us, we got evicted.  EVICTED FROM THE PROJECTS....  You tell me.  I dont get it.  But we moved in with him... in a trailor park across the way... in a single wide trailor.  Thats when it got physical.  the fighting really started there.  he would throw her around the trailor, but I didnt know what to do...  I just remember her yelling and begging for him to stop...  ut he never did.  thats when we became the work horses... he did everything mike said, we were slaves.  and if we didnt do what he wanted he would beat us, and thats when he started beating cara everyday.  she was never allowed to leave her room.  he would make her stare at the wall as she layed there in her bed, all the time.  and my mother didnt care.  we left there when my mother got a double wide trailor, my grandparents helped them get a larger home for us.  Thats when all hell broke loose.  My mother was always drinking.  she was never home.  and mike would beat cara more.she never had a chance.  She didnt.  I would tell my mother and show mom the bruises and she wouldnt say anything... she didnt care.  she didnt care.  If one dish was on the counter mike would htrow things at us, or hit us.  he was always yelling.  we couldnt leave our room, and we had to ask to use the bathroom. which was two feet in front of our room... he wouldnt even see us, but he would kill us if we went without asking.  I had the room on the left they (cara and garrett) had the room on the right.  and we couldnt even see one another.  They were there, and I was in there.  If we wanted to talk we sould send notes hoping that he wouldnt see them... we would whisper on walkie talkies that we got for christmas the year before, hoping he wouldnt hear us.  thats when cara started to get beat worse, to the point he would hold her by her neck. or legs.  She spranged her ankle once.  Mike told mom she did it out side.  But thats not what happened. when I was 12 I stole rings from my best friend.... My mother toild mike and he made me get dressed while he watched as a punishment... Maybe thats why I cant let a man see me naked.... Once I didnt dry the dishes,  and he threw them at me.    On the weekends we went outside aT 7AM AND stayed out there until  9 or 10 at night.  The heat was unbareable, but we went outside to work, move rocks, pick up sticks... But this was only me and gaRRETT cara had to stay inside in her bed, alone.  being beatten everyt8ime my mother would leave the house I can still hear her screams in my head....    it torments me.... thyat i didnt save her.    but we couldnt even go inside the house... we had to go to the bathroom behind the shed and drink water from the hose.  we would listen to hear his truck leave so we could spend a few minutes with my mother or if she wasnt home and mike left we would run in to make sure cara was okay.... and not dead... This coninued... when i was 12-13 years old I was woken up by screams, he was raping my mother.  I know this because he came into my room, naked with blood dripping from his penis and he was sweating he was looking at me...  I acted like i was sleeping...  the hairs all over my body stood up as I gripped the wine bottle and carving knife I placed under my pillow and blankets.  Just in case.....  I could have killed him that night.  Everyday I would think of ways to kill him... but i never had it perfect enough to do it...  just about everynight they would fight and I would jump out the window run to call 911, after a few times the people actually opened their doors, knowing it was me...  he would always com after me... But I can still feel the prickles on my feet from running.  Why does god hate me?  IF he only gives you what you can handle he must be mistaken... because I still cant handle this.  I still cant.  At 15, I begged to leave... and I knew what i was leaving behind... a sister who was still a baby and a bother that needed me... But i left anyway.  I have felt guilty ever since...  From 15 to now a lot has happened, but thats alnother story... lets just say I delt with drugs and an emotionally abusive father, and a step mother who cheats and leaves and says it was because of me.  

Much more happened but it hurts to much to think about it. 

now....  My sister whom i left is in a group home and just left a mental institution...   an innocent soul dragged though the dirt...  a mother who doesnt care and is still with the man who did all of this.  A family who thinks im a liar, and I made my brother and sister believe that all the abuse happened...  and everyone thinks im the crazy one because my mother told them I made it up.,.,.  if all these memories are so vivid they happened... Im not making it up.  its the truth... in my eyes.

Sometimes I just want to die from the guilt of it all.  Sometimes I fear my own mind.  I fear the flashbacks... I fear the screams, I fear the feeling of that cold wine bottle against my leg and falling asleep with my hand on the handle and my hand under the pillow holding a knife.  I fear the truth.  I fear my sister wont be normal because of the monsters in her past.  How can something so fragile be just torn apart as if it doesnt matter... as if it isnt a human soul... as it isnt how beautiful it is.  as for me... most of the time I wish i wasnt alive... the other times I wonder what it is like to be normal...  somtimes I wish that if god is real... he would stop hating me and just hold me....  Im ashamed of my life... Because of her.  Because of her im afraid...  she tried.  But I dont know what she was trying for... something normal? if so what is her normal?  Mine is letting children be as innocent as they should be.  and Adults making sure they are safe.  I tell you this... if I ever became normal... Im going to make sure my children are as innocent as they should be... and fun will be fun.  Life will be worth living.  At 13 I knew I didnt want to be here... I should be here.,..  I took many sleeping pills...  I guess god didnt want me dead...  Im still here... sometimes I wish that night i would have finished off the bottle.

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Date:2006-02-04 23:45
Subject:
Security:Public

Dear God,

I would just like to say thank you.  I know I dont talk to you as often as I am supposed to.  And I know that sometimes you might think that I dont seem to care about myself, those around me, or you.  But I would like to say thank you.  Thank you for my life, thank you for the most amazing man ever, thank you for my friends, thank you for having the ability to smile, breathe, hear, walk, move, think, blink, the bility to express myself, the ability to talk, my personality, and most of all thank you for giving me the ability to love.

Thank you.

Love

Jessica

 

 

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Date:2006-02-04 23:37
Subject:To Life.
Security:Public

I toast.
I toast a cup to God.
I toast him for the beauty he made for me.
I toast him for the love he has given me.
Dear God
Are you listening?
And if you are can I ask you something?
Can I have your hand?
Can we dance?
Like a father and his child?
Can we sing together?
Will you hold me when im sad?
Will you wipe the tears that roll down my cheek?
When im lonley will you be there?
Dear god
I know I ask these questions.
And I already know the answers.
But I cant help but wonder if you would ever actually answer me with words.
You show me so much...
Maybe one day far in the future we can sit
and speak of my blessings
And on that day I can ask you for your hand.
And a dance
And I can look up into your eyes
and see the love
That a father would have for his daughter.

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Date:2006-01-12 22:53
Subject:Sadly enough...
Security:Public
Mood: depressed

What good is a man who gives you everything you could ever dream of, except himself.

 

WTF

 

I dont understand.  I try to talk to smeone about it and they jump down my back...  GOD WHY CANT YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

IM MISERABLE, I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW, IM DEPRESSED, IM BACK TO THE WAY I WAS BEFORE PATRICK WHEN I HAD MY FATHER DOWN MY FUCKING BACK!!!!!!!!!  DEAR GOD WHY DO YOU HATE ME?

 

LOST IN MY MIND

I DONT KNOW WHAT I FEEL

I HATE MYSELF

I HATE YOU

I HATE EVERYTHING

NOTHING EVER MAKES ME HAPPY.

I TRY TO BE HAPPY

AND THEN I FUCK IT UP.

WHEN IM MISERABLE

I TRY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

AND NOTHING EVER GOES MY WAY

I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE THAT I LOVED MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.

BUT IM MORE LONELY THAT ANYONE CAN EVER SEE

I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM

OBVIOUSLY ILL NEVER BE HAPPY

I SHOULD JUST RUN AWAY.

HOW CAN I EVER BE HAPPY WHEN I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPY IS??????

I THINK IM NOT HAPPY.

SO I TELL HIM HOW I FEEL

HE ISNT WILLING TO CHANGE

BUT I HAVE TO GIVE UP MY MIND TO BE WITH HIM

FOR HIM TO WORK THIRDS

ILL HAVE TO WORK THIRDS TO SEE HIM.

EVEN IF I DID WE WOULD RARELY SEE ONE ANOTHER

SO EITHER WAY IM FUCKED.

HE SAID HE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY ON FIRSTS OR SECONDS.

SO IF HE ISNT GOING TO BE HAPPY.

AND NEITHER WILL I

THEN WHATS THE POINT???

THERE IS NO FUCKING POINT.

OF ANYTHIJNG

WHY WOULD GOD GIVE ME SOMETHING I CANT EVEN HAVE?

HE MUST REALLY HATE ME

FINALLY SHOW ME WHAT I FEEL IVE BEEN MISSING.

LOVE

AND THEN TAKE IT AWAY

 

 

I READ THE THING YOU WROTE IN YOUR LIVE JOURNAL.

IS IT SO WRONG FOR ME TO LIKE THE DAY.

YOULL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY I HATE THE NIGHT.

WHY BE WITH SOMEONE YOU NEVER SEE.

WHY LOVE SOMEONE YOU CAN NEVER FEEL

WHY CRY FOR SOMEONE, WHOM YOU CANT HAVE

IF I WAS TO WORK THIRDS I WOULD KILL MYSELF

AND THATS NOT A JOKE.

DEPRESSION IS A SCARY THING.

LIFE IS JUST AS WELL.

BUT IF SOMETHING LIKE THIS CANT BE FIGURED OUT BY TWO PEOPLE WHOM APPEAR TO BE SMART... THEN HOW WILL WE EVER FIGURE OUT LIFE?

YOUR NOT WILLING TO CHANGE.

AND I CANT

SO I GUESS THAT ENDS THAT.

BUT LET ME JUST SAY ONE THING.

I HATE MYSELF.

I HATE EVERY FUCK9ING THING ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE OF ME WE CANT BE TOGETHER.

BECAUSE OF ME I WILL PROBABLY END UP LIKE MY MOTHER...

UNHAPPY AND ACTING LIKE SHE IS.

BECAUSE OF ME, ILL NEVER FIND LOVE AGAIN.

YOUR RIGHT PATRICK... I FUCKED THIS ONE UP TOO.

CONGRATS... YOUR ALWAYS RIGHT.

JOSEPH...  I ALWAYS ASKED YOU WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME... BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW WHAT I WANTED FROM MYSELF.

NOW IM CRAZY AND ALONE.

FUCK THIS.


2 comments | post a comment



Date:2006-01-04 19:38
Subject:I have met....
Security:Public

The most wonderful man in the world... It is an amazing feeling to be loved.

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Date:2005-10-12 23:08
Subject:DANE COOK FUCKING ROCKS
Security:Public
Mood: chipper

Monopoly

Everyone had the game... But no one liked it.. even if you think you liked it you really didnt.

Cuz this is anyone two hours into the game *Bang* FUCK THIS GAME

ITS 4 AM gramma.... YOU WIN.... Im sitting on Baltic with crack...

Im paying Luxy tax out the ass....

And I hate when your the banker..... Whered you get those pink $50s you cheating whore...

Dont Touch me grampa... NANA a CHEATING WHORE!!

I should cut your head of with my little doggy....

....

We were so poor growing up we had to actually use that little iron... Dont laugh.... It takes a long time to iron a shit with that little iron...

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Date:2005-10-08 02:24
Subject:so there are angels
Security:Public

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Date:2005-10-08 02:12
Subject:
Security:Public

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Date:2005-10-08 02:10
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: sad

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Date:2005-10-08 01:50
Subject:Today... ramble.
Security:Public

You know I wonder if my ex is right.  I am horrible at relationships and that all I am going to do is ruin what I always have for relationships.  You know, I know I am a very hurt little girl looking for someone to save me.  But I know also that everything happens for a reason.  But I am so tired, it makes me want to cry, I am always  trying to hold on to what isnt real.  Sadly I never know if how I feel is what the other person feels.  So I ask if they love me only to find fustration.  He always getting upset wondering why i must ask him all the time if he still loves me.  Unfortunately, I dont know what love is.  So I never know if what I feel is love, nevermind what they feel.  You know.  I loved my mother, But did she love me in return.  I loved myt father and did he love me in return.  The answers to these guestions are unknown.  They loved me because they had to.  I never had a little extra care, this little extra I find with the men I am with.  Or the Man I am currently with.  Maybe I am a lost cause.  Maybe I will never find someone to put up with me.  I try to change for every man im with, to make them happy.  Finally I met a man, who makes me happy, anjd i try to change for him to make him happy, But maybe im not doing it right.  I dont know anymore.  I wish i could just crawl under a rock and die.

 

 

I took 1.25 from my boyfriend to do our laundry.  And well I forgot to tell him i took it.   he got upset, and he is still upset that I didnt tell him.  I forgot.  I took it to dry our laundry, that took most of my day to do.  I was only trying to make him happy.  ....  You know.  it is hard enough, me alwyas trying to make someone else happy irregardless of how i feel.  nevermind getting yelled at even when i thought i was doing something right.  I give up.  Maybe I just need a man who will  just make it point to.... do something different.  I dont know.  I dont know what i want anymore.  Im miserable tonight.  Horribly unhappy.  i thought i was doing the right thing.  and i didnt.  I wasn't.   Yeah Pat your right.  I did fuck it up.  and I dont even know what was so horrible.

 

I am not your ex.  All I can be is me.  Her mistakes shouldnt be taken out on me.

 

I love you.  and i would never hurt you.  so stop thinking im going to..  

 

Maybe i ask if you love me all the time because im scared your going to use me and leave me.  or just get tired of me.  like everyone else. 

 

I dont even know what else to say.  I can barely see, my heart is crying out, and the tears are falling.  And i dont even know why.  Maybe im tired of acting like im strong.  because im not.  I love you, and yes i need you.  I just hope you need me too.

 

 

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